Can you tell I need to catch up with the Pagan Blog Project? I really am behind, unfortunately. Well, life has been busy. I’ll try to catch up if I can, but I may just end up always being a letter or two late from now until at least August. The two-week vacation we have coming up July 22nd is going to throw me off again even if I do manage to catch up before that…so we’ll see! The Kemetic Round Table is a bit easier to keep up with, since it requires less frequent updates. Look for one of those updates this coming Wednesday, by the way! ^_^
In any case, I’ve had an interesting turn of events recently. It seems that we must always be careful what we wish for: just last post I commented on my desire for renewed spiritual inspiration…my solution was to begin thinking about local spirit work, and perhaps even attempting to learn meditation again, and maybe even delve into journey work – something I have always strayed away from.
I suppose I brought it upon myself, deciding to then ask the Gods for an opinion.
Every so often – I’d say, every month or so – I do these full-energy, hour-long, ritualistic Tarot readings…using my Saqqara Tarot Deck (a deck that was immediately requested by my Gods as a “for very sacred usages only” deck) to get a better sense of where I am on my spiritual journey…to sort of find out how I’m doing. Kind of like a spiritual progress report, basically (remember getting those in like, elementary and middle school?). I ask the same questions every time I do one of them: “Who is with me?” “How am I doing right now?” “What more can I do?” “What advice can You give?”
I basically open it up to all of the Kemetic Deities – the first question, “Who is with me?” clarifies which of Them will be answering me via the cards for that particular reading. There is an unspoken agreement when I do these readings that an offering will be given at the end (and I always fulfill this promise: I do indeed offer something substantial, usually a special food or drink, to whichever Deity helped me). I haven’t been doing this that long (I only got the Saqqara cards this past…February, I believe), but I’ve done it enough to notice patterns: the same Deities (so far, anyway) have tended to show up around me. If you’ve been following this blog, you may already be able to guess Them: Djehuty, mainly. Then Hethert, and then, more recently, Aset.
Well, I did a reading just this past Tuesday, July 2nd. When I asked Who was with me, however, I pulled a card I had never pulled before. It was the card marked “The Lord of Valor.” I should note, the Saqqara deck is not a traditional Rider-Waite-based deck. Some aspects are somewhat similar, but in general, it has its own system. It came with a booklet that explained all of the cards, of which I studied thoroughly before using it for the first time (I still have the booklet, and do still refer to it when I need to). …But the cards are also powerful. I knew that from the start, from touching them for the first time. Whenever I pull cards from it, I don’t just get the author’s intended meanings (as per the booklet), I get intuitive meanings…which I think come from my Gods. It’s why I don’t use the deck often – it drains my energy. It takes a lot out of me, because I read every card with the intended meaning in mind, but also with the meanings that exist within me…the “messages” I get directly from my Gods. It’s hard for me to explain, but maybe some of you out there know kind of what I mean.
In any case, I was very surprised to see the Lord of Valor card, because it was unfamiliar to me. And yet, I somehow knew exactly what it meant. Joy in battle. The Courageous. The Victorious. The Opener.
And then of course, upon reading those same descriptions in the booklet, that deep intuition, my “Godphone” I suppose you could call it, knew immediately that I had been right in guessing Who it was.
And then there were Four, I mused.
In any case, I continued with the rest of the reading, thanking Wepwawet for His guidance at the end with a tall glass of beer as an offering. He left me with a lot to ponder…The Lord of Joy answered my usual questions with an intensity and a pushiness I had never experienced before. Here is the general gist of how the reading went:
“How am I doing right now?”
Your labor has been rewarded; you have reached the next step beyond apprenticeship; you have been faithful to Us.
“What more can I do?”
You must continue to live in Ma’at, but you must now work harder; you must strive to achieve even more; you must leave your comfort zones, all of them, one by one.
“What guidance can You give?”
You must test yourself against the Earth; give it everything that you have and more; take responsibility, shoulder the weight of spiritual insight; support tradition and encourage learning; have faith in the established practices you already take part in. But most of all: do not falter. Do not waver. A new mastery awaits you…you must put aside inhibitions and go forward wholeheartedly. Your anxieties are a false barrier – you must not tolerate them any longer.
The long and short of it? Stop being a big baby, Brooke.
The truth is, I didn’t really need Wepwawet to hurl such forceful advice at me – I’ve known this for a long time, but have perhaps been too hard-headed to accept it…I know very well that the time for doubt is over. I need to stop letting my anxiety (which is a real mental health issue of mine, I admit) get in the way of spiritual growth. It’s something I will likely never be fully rid of, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t something I can’t overcome in small ways, a little bit each day. I’ve been able to do well with mastering it in my secular life, though of course I still have bad days…now it’s time for me to “grow a pair” (as they say) and try new things spiritually.
A new mastery awaits me. I wonder what He meant by that…I felt multiple meanings underlying the words. Surely it referred to my anxiety, but I think it also referred to Kemeticism in general. But if I am to “give more,” what exactly should I give? How exactly should I give?
It is up to me to find out, now. Wepwawet is the Opener…but I am the seeker. I must go forth through the open door and search for answers, for mastery, for growth, and perhaps, if I am lucky, for healing from the things that have always held me back.
I hate summer, but summer has already been quite the interesting season for me, to say the least. Wep Ronpet, the New Year, is almost upon us…I have a huge opportunity to “start fresh” coming up soon. It’s my job to use that time to create a new beginning for myself.
How lucky I am: as I always say, the journey never really ends.